Others think of it as something owing to another, going beyond the concept of just a financial transaction. So, claiming that someone is “in your debt”, a feeling of great gratitude or atonement that overflows to giving of service. The debtor could also be demanding an apology.
You could even reframe the word debt – as an obligation, an owing back, being duty-bound.
Debt can have a feeling of gratitude, guilt or resentment underlying. It may even have all of the above. Regardless, the debt no longer becomes a straight forward transaction between two parties, but becomes injected with emotions and from that overflows different and often dysfunctional behaviours.
I would not normally think of myself as someone who has a victim mentality. But this past month, I have been heavily focused on empowering my financial circumstances. With this has arisen multiple memories of situations where I have defined myself as a victim – more than I can admit. An $8k debt from a marketing course that has taken 2 years to clear, an unpaid amount from an ex-friend from over 12 year ago and various other situations of resentment, guilt, loss and gratitude ranging from work to friendships to home-life. Financial and emotional.
I thought and processed many of these memories (the particularly charged ones).
For the memory of the unpaid amount from a friend 12 years ago, I wondered if I could really be so petty to still be affected by this now (the amount of money meaning very little to me now). Did it take me this long to forgive and let go of something from so long ago?
It was not the act itself that kept me bound to these financial or emotional debts – that is what most people would think. In fact, it was actually the act of defining myself as a victim.
When you truly forgive a debt, you wipe away the conscious or unconscious self-definition of victimhood, made in the current time or the past.
It is not, as most people mistaken, just saying sorry or apologising – meaningfully or not. This is only a surface layer perception. Such acts are overlaying notions of ‘the right way’ morality or the need to see self as the good, wise or better person, regardless of whether you are the one in debt or debtor.
Letting go of self-definitions of victimhood means humbly accepting and taking responsibility for allotting that definition on yourself. It also means seeing to the best of your ability how you placed yourself into a situation where you experienced being the victim. Because truly forgiving such a definition means not placing yourself back into victimhood over and over again. It means finally breaking free from the chains of victimhood.
It is hard to admit, but there is a dysfunctional part of me that wants to hold onto being the victim.
Without making peace with that part of me, then no matter how hard I tried, I could not clear the $8k debt that I had unconsciously created. Why is this? Because structure has integrity – my victim definition was a self fulfilling prophecy, regardless of whether I was conscious of it or not. Because I couldn’t be a victim without the debt. If I could clear it easily, that would negate my victimhood.
As I said before, I have been pouring my creative energy into transforming my finances. This has also led me to creating my Wealth Insights Document (in progress), where I have been coming to terms with the principles behind being wealthy and what it really takes to create wealth in my life. Through this, I have been focusing on becoming conscious with money and especially my $8k debt that has not been chipped for 2 years.
I returned from my holiday on the 31st of December, with the intention to do something about this. So, I tried a new process – one that really questions a dysfunctional thought pattern. In this case, I had the recurring thought that I had been taken advantage of for my money. Along with the $8k debt was resentment and suppressed bitterness that I had been allocated into a marketing course way above my means and then neglected.
Through the process, my final realisation was seeing that in actual fact, although the people I had blamed did have their own agendas, I couldn’t come up with valid evidence that they had taken advantage of me. In fact, I could see instead that I set myself up to be neglected, because I never said anything. I never made any indication that I was unhappy or that my needs were being unmet. I saw how my perception was just an illusion.
I could finally let go of my definition that I was the victim.
Once I had moved on to a more expanded truth, interesting things happened. I went to get my credit card re-activated in person– and the bank manager pointed out the high interest rate and suggested a personal loan with a lower rate. Come back later, he said. I decided to talk to my husband about it, which sparked off an idea in his head to use the paid equity on our home loan (which was far in excess of our debts) to wipe most of our credit debts clean with an added bonus of an extremely low interest rate.
Everything happened within a space of a couple of weeks, and my whole perceived $8k debt was gone. And along with it my resentment and bitterness. A debt I struggled to make any head way with for over 2 years, over with, with one click of a button on my internet banking. But so it is with magic – the ability to sink deep in your unconscious and transform outdated beliefs and definition into the new.
Without a doubt, we create our own realities.
The process I used is this:
- Acknowledge a situation (past or present) where you claim to be a victim
- Come up with any and all evidence that proves you are a victim. Name whatever you’ve got and name it until you feel you are complete with that.
- With the evidence that you produced, is it absolutely 100% true that you are/were a victim? It will be rare to come up with a yes.
- If you said no, then choose in this moment to just let it go. Release the definition of being the victim.
Following this, you may want to step into the whole and greater truth of the situation, including any obvious action to take, if you have the skills to use intuition and tune in.
You’ll be amazed at how flimsy the evidence that you come up with is. If never questioned, the victimhood reality stays no matter how long ago it was created, with corresponding dysfunctional emotions and behaviours.
And the reason why it is rare that your evidence will be 100% absolutely true, is because the concept of being a victim is an illusion. True, bad things do happen – life continues to pummel out ups and downs – but the definition of being a victim is purely self-made. In this case, you are probably your own worst enemy.
But an even deeper truth is that you are an amazing creative being with all the possibilities of your heart available to you at any given moment. The idea of powerlessness, blocks to expression and autonomy, are just a reality you have made up based on feelings, thoughts and conditions that you may be experiencing now or have in the past. They are not your only reality.
In fact, you are free to hold any self-definition that you like. Whether it be a definition of money-savvy, life-savvy or heart-savvy – all definitions are available to you in your consciousness. So, if you do one thing for yourself to start off 2016, this would be my suggestion - letting go of any self-definitions of victimhood, in whatever shape or form, past and present. Start your year on a fresh slate, open to freedom, self-empowerment, joy and endless possibilities.